| Beacon Villages Journal |
Doreen's Fun Page |
The 1st Affair
A married deputy Prime Minister was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very sheer blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets." |
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FIVE CORPORATE LESSONS
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.? When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel."?After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel
and goes back upstairs.?When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?"?"It was Bob the next door neighbor. " she
replies."Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800
he owes me?"
Moral of the story: -
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time ,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized " Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on
her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: -
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity .
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep and a administration clerk, and the manager are walking
to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out.?The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me
first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me
next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie
says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the
office after lunch."
Moral of the story: -
Always let your boss have the first say .
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked
him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: - "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: -
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up .
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to ! the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the
energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the
turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: -
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there for long......
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Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so........... Time to shut UP ....!
OK......THAT'S IT! I'M THRU.....THREW....THROUGH!
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