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Beacon Villages Journal
Doreen's Fun Page     
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet. The old man stared. Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring. Finally, the teenager said sarcastically : "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?" Without missing a beat the old man replied :" Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to fill
their days.

I went to the shops the other day. I was only there for about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a Senior
Citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tyres.
I called him a nasty piece of dog s--t.
He finished the second ticket with a flourish and put it on the
windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 10 minutes.
The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.

·     
  I used to eat a lot of natural
  foods until I learned that most people die of natural
  causes.

  ·     
  Gardening Rule: When weeding, the
  best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a
  valuable plant is to pull on
  it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a
  valuable plant.

  ·     
  The easiest way to find something
  lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

  ·     
  Never take life seriously. Nobody
  gets out alive anyway.

  ·     
  There are two kinds of
  pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

  ·     
  Life is sexually
  transmitted.

  ·     
  Health is merely the slowest
  possible rate at which one can die.

  ·     
  The only difference between a rut
  and a grave is the depth.

  ·     
  Some people are like Slinkies. Not
  really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when
  you see one
  tumble down the stairs.

  ·     
  Health nuts are going to feel
  stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
  nothing.

  ·     
  Have you noticed since everyone
  has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they
  used
  to?

  ·     
  Whenever I feel blue, I start
   breathing again.

  ·     
  All of us could take a lesson from
  the weather. It pays no attention to
  criticism.

  ·     
  In the 60's, people took acid to
  make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac
  to
  make it normal.

  ·     
  Politics is supposed to be the
  second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a
  very close
  resemblance to the first.

  ·     
  How is it one careless match can
  start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a
  campfire?

  ·     
  Why is there a light in the fridge
  and not in the freezer?

  ·           
  If quizzes are quizzical, what are
  tests?

  ·     
  If corn oil is made from corn, and
  vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made
  from?

  ·     
  Do illiterate people get the full
  effect of Alphabet Soup?

  ·     
  Did you ever notice that when you
  blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a
  car ride,
  he sticks his head out the window?

  ·     
  Does pushing the elevator button
  more than once make it arrive faster?

  ·     
  Why doesn't glue stick to the
  inside of the bottle?

A Lady goes to her Priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem,I have two female parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing."
 
"Whatdo they say?" the priest enquired.
 
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do youwant to  have some fun?"
 
" That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know", he said. "I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking
parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.  My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in notime."
 
"Thank you", the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house, as he ushered her in,
she saw that his two male parrots were inside their  cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. 

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have somefun?" 

There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over atthe other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."


He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,
 
"let's put all these Frosties back in the box.


 

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