Beacon Villages
Under Cosdon Beacon Dartmoor Devon UK
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| The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge stops & says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger & frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up & says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that bastard & every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." |
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You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace... "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel.... |
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them |
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| HAPPY NEW YEAR Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company in 2005 TRANSPORTATION : It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you drive a 10 years old car or taking public transportation, we assume that you must have lots of savings & money therefore you do not need a raise. If you drive a proton, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise too... ANNUAL LEAVE : Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year . They are called Saturdays & Sundays. LUNCH BREAK : 1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. 2) Average size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. 3) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. SICK DAYS : We will no longer accept a doctor? Is a Medical Certificate proof of sickness?. No. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. TOILET USE : Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. SURGERY : As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. INTERNET USAGE : All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (note: 50p per minute) Just for the record, 73% of the staff will not be entitle for any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges has exceeded their 3 months salary . Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Director |
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